Nowadays, I don't know whether I can ever say
"I'm tired"
Feel like I'm doing nothing
But still stress myself up
Keep running around the circle of none
My insurance haven't get any insured yet
Not supported by anyone of my friend and even family
This is what I have expected
But the tiredness and feeling of lose is heavier than what I have expected
My IT job...
keep going around bunch of rubbish tasks that keep repeat and repeat again because of those people who don't wish to learn and suck management....
These are boring...
but I couldn't complain as it cannot be saved... Those people have used to rely...
The only way is to make my step faster to jump out of this unnecessary circle of tasks is leave...
But currently I couldn't do this... I have too much commitment by now...
Now I have understand the feeling of "having time to die but not sick"
Last Saturday suddenly fell down, because of fever, without any symptom I just fell down like this...
Lie on the bed, mind getting more and more unconsciousness, body get hot and hotter, every part of my organ feel uncomfortable.
I ever feel like... Am I body complaining to me? Is there something goes wrong already...? Am I getting Karoshi soon...?
But this thought wiped off very soon... and guiltiness comes along...
Why I feel guilty...?
"I just can't lie on here... I need to do my insurance... I need to study my IT... I need to earn more..."
These sentences have came into my mind... I ever feel guilty even I know I need a rest... I just can't accept I have to rest...
It's suck... I can't even rest peacefully when I feel tired...
I can't even say tired when I feel really tired...
1 Day 24 Hours are not enough for me... once I lie on the bed... I feel the time is keep running away while I rest...
Ok... It's suck... Totally...
Sometimes I really hate this kind of life...
I would like to shout this badly to those keep causing me problem in my job...
"Are you stupid? Why don't you fucking go and confirm everything first before you call me? I feed you thousand times and now you still don't know how to pick up the spoon by yourself!"
But I can't, this will cause me lose my job instantly...
Actually my EQ not so good...
But at least I always know how to control the flame...
And I know if suddenly I can't control... It gonna blown like a boom...
I'm gonna hurt everyone around as I blown up...
Don't wish one day it will happened like this...
Tonight I will go over my piano class and cancel it...
I think... I just don't have time to do what I'm interested right now?
Maybe later... I will pick it up again...
When? The time I get what I need...
I set a time frame for myself... 3years...
I will fight hardly for 3years...
Sometimes, I just wanna to tell everybody...
"I'm tired, really, let me take a rest..."
But sadly... I don't know how to voice out nowadays...
I really don't know how to say
"I'm tired"
I can bear no more load...
Please forgive me... I'm just a human after all...
My legs aren't strong enough, the load I can bear is limited...
Too much of load place on my shoulder will squeeze me and make me fall...
I tell myself I couldn't fall, because I'm gonna bear for more and more...
Sometimes, I just need a rest, a support, some care, some understanding.
