临界崩溃

救命啊... 好想一次过解决所有问题哦...
刚刚调好的心情不到半天又被冲击了...
我快崩溃了啊...

-------------------------------------
心情终于又调整回来了...
没关系啦... 还是可以解决的...
接下来的日子省一点就好啦... ^^

看来我要请很多天的假...
还是想看到时怎样跟公司解释好了...

久违的自卑感

看着有限的口袋...
慢慢崩裂的墙壁...
心里总不禁想着...
"如果有钱多好..."

如果有钱...
我就不用顾忌那么多...
也不需要我身边的人为我盘算着每一分...
不需要看着自己的父亲做工做到半死自己却无能为力...
不需要连吃饭都要考虑钱包里剩下的纸币...

最近一直赶来赶去...
却连一分钱都没找到...
越来越怀疑自己的能力...
自卑坐在椅子上...
说不出话来...

最近真的好累哦...
东西都做得好不顺的说...
到现在还是只会哭的小孩子...
除此之外什么都不会...
好窝囊哦...

第四月

好不容易地
我又跟我的老婆仔度过第四个月咯~ ^^
可惜在这个第四个月我陪不到我的老婆仔哦...
我们也很久没去迿香那边吃东西咯
还真的怀念一下的说

aiz aiz...
本来想陪她的星期六必须拿去陪了我妈妈
然后拜日好死不死又跟我发了烧
搞到我不能带她去kai kai~

决定了~ 这个星期身体一定要养到好好的!
这个拜六一定要带她去kai kai下!!
还要跑回去迿香补回我们的纪念日!! XD

好爱你哦老婆仔~~
你要公平地爱回老公仔哦~
muackssss~ <3

Can I ever say, "I'm tired"?

Nowadays, I don't know whether I can ever say
"I'm tired"
Feel like I'm doing nothing
But still stress myself up
Keep running around the circle of none
My insurance haven't get any insured yet
Not supported by anyone of my friend and even family
This is what I have expected
But the tiredness and feeling of lose is heavier than what I have expected

My IT job...
keep going around bunch of rubbish tasks that keep repeat and repeat again because of those people who don't wish to learn and suck management....
These are boring...
but I couldn't complain as it cannot be saved... Those people have used to rely...
The only way is to make my step faster to jump out of this unnecessary circle of tasks is leave...
But currently I couldn't do this... I have too much commitment by now...

Now I have understand the feeling of "having time to die but not sick"
Last Saturday suddenly fell down, because of fever, without any symptom I just fell down like this...
Lie on the bed, mind getting more and more unconsciousness, body get hot and hotter, every part of my organ feel uncomfortable.
I ever feel like... Am I body complaining to me? Is there something goes wrong already...? Am I getting Karoshi soon...?
But this thought wiped off very soon... and guiltiness comes along...
Why I feel guilty...?
"I just can't lie on here... I need to do my insurance... I need to study my IT... I need to earn more..."
These sentences have came into my mind... I ever feel guilty even I know I need a rest... I just can't accept I have to rest...
It's suck... I can't even rest peacefully when I feel tired...
I can't even say tired when I feel really tired...
1 Day 24 Hours are not enough for me... once I lie on the bed... I feel the time is keep running away while I rest...

Ok... It's suck... Totally...
Sometimes I really hate this kind of life...
I would like to shout this badly to those keep causing me problem in my job...
"Are you stupid? Why don't you fucking go and confirm everything first before you call me? I feed you thousand times and now you still don't know how to pick up the spoon by yourself!"
But I can't, this will cause me lose my job instantly...
Actually my EQ not so good...
But at least I always know how to control the flame...
And I know if suddenly I can't control... It gonna blown like a boom...
I'm gonna hurt everyone around as I blown up...
Don't wish one day it will happened like this...

Tonight I will go over my piano class and cancel it...
I think... I just don't have time to do what I'm interested right now?
Maybe later... I will pick it up again...
When? The time I get what I need...
I set a time frame for myself... 3years...
I will fight hardly for 3years...

Sometimes, I just wanna to tell everybody...
"I'm tired, really, let me take a rest..."
But sadly... I don't know how to voice out nowadays...
I really don't know how to say
"I'm tired"
I can bear no more load...
Please forgive me... I'm just a human after all...
My legs aren't strong enough, the load I can bear is limited...
Too much of load place on my shoulder will squeeze me and make me fall...
I tell myself I couldn't fall, because I'm gonna bear for more and more...
Sometimes, I just need a rest, a support, some care, some understanding.

Challenge

"You have to insured 3 people you don't know in advance to prove that you have the ability in this area, if not, you have to give up."

This is a good challenge...
Dad, I will prove you I can do it. Wait for me.

You said you can't give me anything...
I need to fight everything by myself...
But thank you... Dad...
You have given your experience and advices to me
That I feel so precious and nothing can equal to it..

雨过天晴

前几天刮了十号台风
快把我和你给吹得稀巴烂了
雨也一直下个不停
像是神不断为了一场腥风血雨的战争而哭泣
不过现在再汹涌的风雨也都挨过去了 ^^
谁对，谁错，也已经不再重要
做错的，用心去改过避免再重犯
甜蜜的，我们用心去经营用心去珍惜
不明白的我们都要摊开来讲
我们都要用心去听
希望经过了这次以后
我们的感情会比以前更坚韧
好爱你哦，我的老婆仔 <3

超人也会累

宠你太多了吗...?
我问我自己...
看着那两句话...
我已经不懂得应该说些什么...
你那么想放弃吗...?
你一直认为着我捆绑你的自由吗...?
我眼眶沦陷了... 顶不住汹涌的泪...
原来我对你的爱是那么的不堪...
我好累... 我生病了... 我没力气了...
超人也会累... 何况我只是个凡人...
对不起... 我爱你...
我可以为你站在前面抵挡任何将来的灾害...
却接受不了背后无名的一刃...

Root of Evil

是不是dealing到钱的东西
都足以让人疯狂追求?
以致埋没了良心
埋没了原来简单拥有的快乐?
说得多么堂皇的语句
到最后只不过是埋藏贪婪的工具
做了这个行业看到了很多
本来知道却没真正遇上的东西

我其实一直感觉到
却尝试着去相信
不敢去亲身查证
怕把真相撕开过后只剩一片丑陋
可惜事实让人失望

谁都需要生计
可它确实不能拿来当做违背良心的借口
说着美丽的未来，却在底面以骷髅铺成
走在相信的partner所铺着的骷髅路上
走得总是有那么点无奈

有时我也会想
钱，可能是会赚到了
不过，真的会开心吗?
我没有答案
就算知道那不能当借口
不过我没得选择
我要的不多
可我不能让我爱的人跟着我受苦
一直都知道每样事情都有黑暗面
我的良心在这个时候没剩下多少价值

"这个世界那么脏
谁有资格论悲伤"

此时此刻
希望这些都是我想太多吧... ^^

不 苦

这个职业所带来的压力是沉重的...
罪恶感随着一步步的人际开拓而增生...
我明白以后再好谈再关心人也始终会带着个目的...
可能是自己的负面心理
总会感觉到一个个的朋友在对话中厌烦
总会一点一点地打击我的心灵
虽然坐在你们面前的我是带点那么些目的
不过想着认识我不短时间的你们总会那么一点了解我的个性吧?
总会那么一点的明白我为什么要这么做吧?
可是看起来换来的是一段段的失望

想说自己会无所谓
不过我看自己做不到
希望自己能狠心一点
做人只看着利益行事
最重要是家人爱人还在就好
不过
还是有一些难度
因为我这个豆腐做的心
还是不那么容易能狠得下来

希望
我真的能够适应
这份需要我违背原则的工作
这不是苦差
只不过心灵却要承受得起凡事都有目的的罪恶感
和一段段拒绝所带来的挫折感
我不允许自己再失败，只能成功。
不过这条路会很难走，到现在我还是没预备好。

这个心灵的压力好重，
重得我几乎透不过气，
想着有没有那么一支精炼铁杖能支撑着我不倒下去？
可我知道我缺少依赖的资格，
所以就算会粉身碎骨，
我都得预备好去承受。